I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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