In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
