Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
