note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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