i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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