Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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