1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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