I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
