i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
