roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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