So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
