Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
