i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
