i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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