I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
