I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
