Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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