She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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