my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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