New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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