I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
