i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
FUCK WHALES
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
