So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
