Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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