How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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