oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
