I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Still dying that you shit outside
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
