Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
