JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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