Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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