What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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