I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
