after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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