something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
