right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
