Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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