Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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