Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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