I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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