Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Im part way to drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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