i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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