She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just found puke in my bra..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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