The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
