Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
