I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
