He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
