i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
