I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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