M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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