This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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