Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
