just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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