I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
