shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
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